Sorry.
Just felt like venting out some steam.
I'm not feeling negative of any sort though.

All through these years, I've learned that being patient pays off.
Patience is virtue.
In Islam, it is said that patience is a half of Iman,
The other half is gratitude (shukr).
But with faults, I have to admit that I am horrible at being patient.
All through these years, I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.
That for every downfall, going through tough times and whatnot,
There are lessons to be learned, remembered
And hopefully, not to be repeated, if possible.

That time I failed my final exams for my degree, which was also the first time I ever failed in anything.
The days I lost my loved ones.
Those months I fell into my own deepest pits of hell of depression.
With no one around when I needed someone the most.
The years where I never did feel real love from my family and being blamed for reasons I cannot comprehend.
My youth when I was always bullied to no end.
Many other bad memories which I do not wish to mention here.

For the very reason I keep falling again and again
Is the very reason why I knew that it was no use for me to regret about anything.
But while walking through this life, I did meet a few people who told me
Never to change myself.
Never to give up.

Change because I loved being different.
How can you blame me for being a deep thinker
If from the very age I could think maturely, in kindergarten,
I had to grow up in a life I had to think for myself, just to survive mentally?
As I grew up, I used to think of it as a curse.
That thinking too much was going to eat me up inside out until I'm all gone some day.
It did eat me up until I was nearly gone
That's when I forced myself to slow things down
Lock everything out and just breathe.
No deep thinking allowed for months.
That was tough, considering I did that all of my life.
It was a do or die thing.
Literally die if I give up, I guess.
Back then, that is.

6 months ago, I left my 2-year job.
The job I used to love my heart out.
I left 'cause partly I felt that I've done what I promised to
Partly I felt that I really needed to move on and get a mentor or...
Well, you know, get out there and get more experience than I ever can in there.
I guess I was partly tired of repetition and partly thirsty for knowledge and more experience.
Sounds cliche, but that's just me.
2 months ago, my now ex-boss talked to me about what I should be doing.
First, I wanted to open my own business but after calculations, I doubt it was going to make it.
Then, I wanted to move to New Zealand to work instead but I decided not to go in the end because of Khai.
It's my dream to own a lovely house in the mountains, living in a peaceful place.
I don't regret not being able to live in those dreams.
Just wondering where I should head to next.

I was growing frantic because I was going to hit that "3" "0" in 3 years time.
Plus, I was afraid that if I get married before doing everything I wanted to do,
My so-called plans won't work out the way I'd want them to be.

There are 2 groups of people.
One who are so negative that they should just dig a hole and live there.
One who would stand by you, even push you on to go ahead and live big.
I never did ever listened to the first group.
If I did listened to them, I wouldn't have worked in those places I've been to.
I wouldn't have grown to be who I am right now, as I am right now.
Plus, being rebellious, in a good way, I love to prove people wrong if I think there's even a slight possibility that I'm right.

Well, the 2nd group will keep asking me...
"What's stopping you?"
And keep saying, "Never give up my dreams".
I know I won't, but maybe it's not the right time yet.
It's not that I have not tried.
Maybe I've not tried hard enough and doing halfheartedly isn't going to cut it out.
But what if, it really is not the time yet?
I'm not giving it up.

At 7, I said,
1. I wanted to be a lawyer.
2. I wanted to be an entrepreneur.

At 15, I wrote down that
1. I wanted to be a Systems Administrator.
2. I wanted to be an entrepreneur.

Plus, all through my life, I knew that I wanted that house.

I erased the lawyer dream before I even reach my teenage years
'Cause I felt it just wasn't me.
I'm satisfied for being a system admin for more than 2 years.
Now, it's time to head out and break the wall.
But, with patience.

The tougher it is to get something, the more I want to get it.
For a while, a few days ago, I thought that I had finally started to regret on something.
Regretting to listen to a few people from the first group.
The ones who prefer to be on the safe side of life.
The ones who believes that you should just simply get that job for the sake of the money, enough to save up, get married...
And in my thoughts the continuation would include being trapped in a vicious cycle of a never-ending bills-to-pay until you die without really living your life.
That's enough to make me feel like I'd rather suffer.
Well, I am suffering right now.
Just that I don't wish to show it to anyone or say anything at all.
Until now... I suppose.

But those thoughts are there because
I'm nearing the end of holding onto the last thread of my patience.
The only fire that resounds in me keeps reigniting
By fate, I keep meeting/pass by people or read/watch about people who are worse off than me.
Every time I feel like giving up, these things come by.

I took time off lots of time to self-search myself but they always seem fruitless.
But these 2 months made me realize more than all those years put together
That it has never been the money
I was never lost... I just didn't understand enough
That I'll always be that girl who will always be think and feel differently from the norm and still be happy and proud of being that way no matter how much society view it as not being able to fit into that cookie cutter storyboard.
That... I had such patience, clarity and pure happiness within me that I never thought I ever had.

I was searching to get the highest post or the highest paying job
I was searching for peace
I was searching for my lost self
I was searching for positivity

Sure, whoever wouldn't want good pay,
But, it meant sacrificing something.
Lost and feeling so negative because I was threading through the wrong path.
There's nothing to be blamed for or anyone for that matter.
Who cares about blaming anyway?

If you're asking the wrong questions, you'll never get the right answers you'll need.

I have a new list now.
At 27,
1. I want to be an entrepreneur.
2. I want to write that book I never even started yet.
3. I want to make a difference in other people's lives.
4. I want to live within a peaceful life with those I love in whatever house I'd own.

I'm just a human.
I'm still learning and will always want to learn.
But if anyone were to need me for support, I'll be there
Just like I used to... be your pillars of strength.
This time, I won't want to cry saying that I never had a pillar for myself when I needed one
'cause I've always had that pillar within me.
From God.





Yeah, I needed a change
When we ate we never took because we needed a change
I needed a break
For a sec I even gave up believing and praying

Written In The Stars
A Million Miles Away
A Message To The Main
Seasons Come And Go
But I Will Never Change
And I'm On My Way




:: Isabelll